It's all to do with your mind set...This was so much easier when I wrote it out in my head, writing it now is harder then I ever thought...I'm leaving DA (temporarily only and mainly just this account) and before you think this is some ploy to get attention or some random act of drama PLEASE read the reasons why this has come about....
In less then two months I will be 22 years old and its a milestone that scares me more than 21 ever did because with becoming 22 comes a whole lot of thoughts and feelings I have shut away for so long to protect myself for various reasons. For years I have suffered from low self confidence, a big fear of failure (border line phobia) and a fear of rejection...yeah I'm a head case I know...But for years I have shut away my problems, putting on a brave face and pretending that I don't care. Well enough is enough. I'm sick of always being scared to a risk in case I fail, I'm sick of not believing in myself when I know full well I'm more than capable and I am sick of trying to be someone that everyone else wants me to be because I'm scared that if they know the real me I'll get rejected.
This all started when I went to my best friends Engagement party and discovered that I am pretty much the only single person left in the old group from high school and I'm pretty much the only one that doesn't have a proper job (I love my job I do but it's not a career). I sat up half the night wondering why and I figured it out, it's all me, my stupid fears and doubts. I went to sleep that night promising to start living like an adult, not a young girl hoping everything will just be alright.
The next day my thoughts were turned to work so I didn't think much about the previous nights thoughts but when I got home that night and went to bed instead of turning my laptop on straight I sat and read for a bit, the usual inkling to get on DA was not there. I did eventually to check my emails and since my homepage is my DA page I thought I might as well check my messages anyway.
Today was the final the step. My mind set changed. Instead of the fear that has stopped me from finishing my application to the Police Force there was a determination to see it through. I got out the app and wrote down all the things I had yet to do for it and the questions I need to ask. It's going to take me time though, although my mind set has changed there is still some self doubt there and it will take time for it to go completing but I'm determined it will. In the morning I'm booking the test so I can go for my full license, no more delay on that either.
Today I decided that its time for me to take a break from DA or more from this account, I think I'll start to focus more on my stock account but still then it will be only a couple of times a week. I've already changed my internet home page to something else and have made myself invisible. I need to concentrate on my new self and although art is a major factor in my life I feel that its time to dedicate myself to aspects of my life that need to get on track.
I'm taking my horse riding more seriously now then I ever have, I'm slowly becoming the professional I want to be and to make that dream a reality I need a steady job which is where the Police Force comes in. I need to set my life straight, do the things I want to do, live the life I want and not what my fears dictate.
Becoming an adult has nothing to do with age. I've been what is classed as an adult in Australia for almost 2 years and it's only now that I believe I have truly become one.
The people I owe commissions and requests too (I know who you are). Don't worry I am still doing them, I want go back on what I've said I will do, they will take time but all my manips usually do anyway.
I have one manip in the process which is a personal one will be kind of like an out for all my old feelings and realising the new ones...but anyway requests and commissions will get done.
So inclusion...I'm taking a temporary break from DA, I might get back on a couple of times a week but I very much doubt you'll hear from me. When I submit the commissions I'm doing I will hang around for a few days to answer comments but that's it.
I didn't want to write this, I didn't want to have to leave...but to leave without telling anyone why I couldn't do, the least I owe everyone that watches me or fav's my work is an explanation.
To say you all mean alot to me is an understatement. Your encouragement and kind words is partly the reason why I've been able to make such a big step in conquering my fears and for that I am forever in your debt.
I'll be ok so please don't worry about me, the road ahead is rough but I'll keep climbing until my fingers bleed and then I'll climb some more.
Stay safe and keep smiling all of you. And remember nothing is beyond your grasp it's just that sometimes our own heads get in the way and tell us not to reach...
Thanks
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I'm not insane, it's a figment or your imagination that you see me dancing naked in the snow...
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I boarded the HP-D/G Fire and Ice Ship.. yes, yes I did. But don't worry, I can be found in Guns 'N' Handcuffs as well.
Thank you Litari for doing my Ava!
--
I'm not insane, it's a figment or your imagination that you see me dancing naked in the snow...
--
I boarded the HP-D/G Fire and Ice Ship.. yes, yes I did. But don't worry, I can be found in Guns 'N' Handcuffs as well.
Thank you Litari for doing my Ava!
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